If you're reading this, you are one of the crazy ones who has been following my every move during the last 30 days. I really hoped you've enjoyed watching my videos just as much as I have making them. That for me is the REAL purpose of this challenge. For months now, something has been weighing down on my heart to open up about and I had no idea how to talk about it, but for the last 30 days, I have been gathering my thoughts while making these dance videos, so this is my story.

To all my friends, I am crazy Iyan - the ones who does outrageous things, makes the most outrageous comments who will make you laugh and cook you a mean meal. I was always happy being that person. Since August 2004, I was also that person who needed help for my depression. Throughout my high school years, it was a secret - from my friends and especially from my family. For a long time, I thought the negativity and the cutting of legs and wrists was just a high school phase and something I would grow out of, but sadly that wasn't the case. As I got older, my depression got worse. 

December 2013/January 2014, I hit rock bottom. The lowest I had ever felt in my life and I tried to kill myself. Days after my failed attempt, a girl I went to school with found her boyfriend hanging from the ceiling of their garage. Something had struck me and for days, all I did was read the grieving comments left for this young man and questioned 'what if these were my friends leaving these comments for me?'. The Thursday of that week, I checked into a clinic and was there for 3 days. I came out the same size, wearing the same clothes and a 500g heavier in medication. Since January, I have been taking multiple medications to get me through and now I'm doing just fine.

For years, I could never shake off the thought of taking medication but after hearing the tragic story this girl had gone through, I realised that there is nothing to be ashamed of. There is no shame in asking for help, there is no shame in being different and there is no shame in having depression. 

The Australian Bureau of Statistics show that the percentage of male suicides in this country is double if not more times the percentage of female suicides. More than 10% of deaths in Australia are caused by suicide, averaging around 6 suicides per day in Australia. The problem is that most people will not speak up about it and I've decided that I refuse to be one of them. 

I've learnt so much in the last few months: that there is no shame in having depression, that you should always pay positivity forward and the only time you own is now! It's very hard to come out and admit how you feel, let alone feeling depressed but no matter how lonely you are, there is always going to be AT LEAST one  person out there who will be there for you and never judge you for showing a real side to you. Luckily for me, I've had a few of those kind of friends who have really stood by me and helped me up when I was down so it was important for me to put that feeling of love and joy back out into the universe with my crazy dance moves! 

I read somewhere that the only time we own is now and after careful thought, it makes perfect sense - we can never get back the last minute nor do we know what will happen in the next. All we have is right now so why waste time on people who bring you down or things that make you unhappy? A wise woman once said 'Ain no body got time fo dat'

I didn't really know the young man who sadly took his life. I'd never seen him or met him, in fact I hadn't seen this girl since we parted ways in primary school. All I know is that he saved my life. His story opened my eyes to realise that even though I may be having a shit night out in my head, the world we live in and the life I live is a fucking party to be enjoyed. I may have to pop a few pills in the morning, I may have to see a counsellor every few weeks to make sure I'm okay and I may have to brainwash myself every now and then to convince myself that life is worth living BUT I'm here and I'm not letting myself go anywhere. I'm in control of MY LIFE  and I'm in control of MY HAPPINESS and I'm always going to do whatever it takes to stay happy and make sure that the ones I love and love me most feel the same way.

Do whatever makes you happy, then pay that feeling forward. You won't regret it, I promise! 

To view the last 30 days of dance, just scroll up and click the Instagram link but as promised to you, click here for my FULL video!

#iyans30daysofdance #payhappinessforward


06/19/2014 5:36am

Love you Yan :)

06/19/2014 6:56am

What a truely amazing person you are. Continue your shine. I hope you realise these videos made each of the 30 days an exciting part of my life. I look forward to seeing you continue to rock and shine on x x

Anna N
06/19/2014 7:01am


06/19/2014 5:08pm

An inspiration to all - no matter how long its been since ive actually seen you in person - the one thing that has remained consistent is your fun loving attitude. Much love x

Pegi Lea
11/16/2014 1:09am

Power to You Iyan! Keep shining! Xxx I always Love your videos! And Im so glad to have met you! Xo


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