If you're reading this, you are one of the crazy ones who has been following my every move during the last 30 days. I really hoped you've enjoyed watching my videos just as much as I have making them. That for me is the REAL purpose of this challenge. For months now, something has been weighing down on my heart to open up about and I had no idea how to talk about it, but for the last 30 days, I have been gathering my thoughts while making these dance videos, so this is my story.

To all my friends, I am crazy Iyan - the ones who does outrageous things, makes the most outrageous comments who will make you laugh and cook you a mean meal. I was always happy being that person. Since August 2004, I was also that person who needed help for my depression. Throughout my high school years, it was a secret - from my friends and especially from my family. For a long time, I thought the negativity and the cutting of legs and wrists was just a high school phase and something I would grow out of, but sadly that wasn't the case. As I got older, my depression got worse. 

December 2013/January 2014, I hit rock bottom. The lowest I had ever felt in my life and I tried to kill myself. Days after my failed attempt, a girl I went to school with found her boyfriend hanging from the ceiling of their garage. Something had struck me and for days, all I did was read the grieving comments left for this young man and questioned 'what if these were my friends leaving these comments for me?'. The Thursday of that week, I checked into a clinic and was there for 3 days. I came out the same size, wearing the same clothes and a 500g heavier in medication. Since January, I have been taking multiple medications to get me through and now I'm doing just fine.

For years, I could never shake off the thought of taking medication but after hearing the tragic story this girl had gone through, I realised that there is nothing to be ashamed of. There is no shame in asking for help, there is no shame in being different and there is no shame in having depression. 

The Australian Bureau of Statistics show that the percentage of male suicides in this country is double if not more times the percentage of female suicides. More than 10% of deaths in Australia are caused by suicide, averaging around 6 suicides per day in Australia. The problem is that most people will not speak up about it and I've decided that I refuse to be one of them. 

I've learnt so much in the last few months: that there is no shame in having depression, that you should always pay positivity forward and the only time you own is now! It's very hard to come out and admit how you feel, let alone feeling depressed but no matter how lonely you are, there is always going to be AT LEAST one  person out there who will be there for you and never judge you for showing a real side to you. Luckily for me, I've had a few of those kind of friends who have really stood by me and helped me up when I was down so it was important for me to put that feeling of love and joy back out into the universe with my crazy dance moves! 

I read somewhere that the only time we own is now and after careful thought, it makes perfect sense - we can never get back the last minute nor do we know what will happen in the next. All we have is right now so why waste time on people who bring you down or things that make you unhappy? A wise woman once said 'Ain no body got time fo dat'

I didn't really know the young man who sadly took his life. I'd never seen him or met him, in fact I hadn't seen this girl since we parted ways in primary school. All I know is that he saved my life. His story opened my eyes to realise that even though I may be having a shit night out in my head, the world we live in and the life I live is a fucking party to be enjoyed. I may have to pop a few pills in the morning, I may have to see a counsellor every few weeks to make sure I'm okay and I may have to brainwash myself every now and then to convince myself that life is worth living BUT I'm here and I'm not letting myself go anywhere. I'm in control of MY LIFE  and I'm in control of MY HAPPINESS and I'm always going to do whatever it takes to stay happy and make sure that the ones I love and love me most feel the same way.

Do whatever makes you happy, then pay that feeling forward. You won't regret it, I promise! 

To view the last 30 days of dance, just scroll up and click the Instagram link but as promised to you, click here for my FULL video!

#iyans30daysofdance #payhappinessforward

The title says it all really. After God knows how long of unintended celibacy, I finally broke it.

Yeah, it was with an ex. But it was everything I needed it to be - fun, emotionless and hit all the right spots. Literally. But I am now a grown and independent person and know that you can only allow a person that has hurt you back into your life a certain amount of times and guess what? He's had plenty of chances. A confirmation of what I've always known - in every relationship, I have worn the pants. #beyoncemuch

My problem now is that I still want to eat fried chicken! This time from Roscoe's Chicken n Waffles.

Pretty sure Russell Brand ripped Jeremy Paxman a new asshole! I was kind of fabulous!

#startingarevolution

Here's a puzzle if I ever saw one: does it make me a fool if I go have a sleepover with my ex? And if by chance we had a little lights off action, do I win or does he?

Why are relationships so hard to maintain. I'm not just talking about love-life relationships, but all sorts - family, friends, colleagues. So much back and forth, bitching and fucking with the mind! Like the girl from mean girls says:  "I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school... I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy...". I guess the reality is just as harsh as Damien's reply.

Side note, I'm reallllllllyyy craving fried chicken and waffles from Sweet Chick!

I caught up with my besties last night - God, it was good a good catch up. I then came home to have a maje discussion with my parents about saving for the future and what I wanted to do in life.

Honestly, over the years, I learnt to put up a wall when my parents started talking about things like this. At first I just thought it was because they were annoying (typical 15 year old). But as I've gotten older, I've realised that wall isn't there because I think they're annoying, it's because I actually don't know what my future holds and in some ways am afraid of it.

Having gone through all the shit my head allows it to go through, I've realised that there is ONE major uncertainty in life - I may not wake up tomorrow. Yes, I know how bleak that sounds for 9am on a Saturday but that is the truth! I've tried one too many times to end my own life to be certain that tomorrow will come. Don't get me wrong, I've definitely learnt that there is more to life and blah, blah, blah BUT how many people in the world can tell me that they are certain that they will be here in the next 10 years or 5 months or 2 weeks or even tomorrow, to see their hard earned dollars placed in homes, investments, material possessions.

Is it wrong that I live by the saying: 'live for today'? Quotes like this get thrown around like crazy to sound cool and be individual but how many people out there actually live this way? Is it wrong that I earn my money, then spend my money the way that I want to spend it, rather then saving for a rainy day or a house? 

I used to be such a snob a judge those who don't travel when they can or don't spoil themselves on the odd occasion because they are saving to buy a house BUT I've realised that judging these people is wrong because like myself, we are ALL different and have different priorities. Some people prioritise settling down over seeing the world. I on the other hand prioritise seeing the world. I don't have any major responsibilities, I don't have a loan, I don't own a house so why should I be judged for saving a few grand and buying a fuck off bag or travelling to New York? Does spending my hard earned dollar the way that I want to spend it make me a bad person? I think not.

To end my rant on a good note, I made an amazing white chocolate and coconut cake yesterday. It tasted like Raffaello and it was amazing if I do say so myself.

#foodmakeseverythingbetter

So you know when you sit down and realise that about 4 minutes ago, something strange just happened? I had one of those moments the other night.

After catching up with  my ultimate bestie, I realised how little 'best friends' I have. Now, what really constitutes as a great friend is someone who is ALWAYS there for you, someone whose opinion you highly value, someone that makes you laugh, someone you can laugh with, someone to bitch with and someone who you are always thinking about. 

It only took me 2 seconds to then realise how amazing my best friends are. Though there may not be many of them, they are all of the above plus more. They are the people I can always call upon and not feel guilty about it and most importantly, they make me feel loved and appreciated.

The perfect example of quality over quantity. Now, off to roast a chicken, bake a cake and sort out my wardrobe for complete summer looks.

#theperfectwifefornoone

EATS: Home cooking.
SHOPS: Nothing maje. 
MOOD/FEELING: Appreciative.

Yeah, it's taken me a few weeks to come up with the perfect diary entry.  Turns out I'm sitting here without anything to say. So.. why not reflect? I haven't really found the motivation to write in here for a few reasons: I've had a flock of friends coming and going and when I have found a spare moment for myself, I've indulged in some bad/good food and my current novel. 

To me, a diary should be a place that you go to to put down what inside; ideas, thoughts and just general happenings. I guess I haven't really done much strenuous thinking as of late as I haven't really been focused on me. Instead, I've been enjoying my time, travelling and taking in my once unfamiliar surroundings and turning them into home. Is that a crime? To just enjoy the moment? Funnily enough, all this time travelling around and spending quality time with friends has really shown me my true loves and what is really important to me. I believe that we are defined by what is most important to us, whether it be family, friends, a job, possessions or a combinations of them all. Not all those things are great to be defined by but the truth is at some point, we become a victim/successor of those things. 

As fucked up as they can be, I love my family. I have found my close friends, I love shopping and love 80% of my wardrobe so now just the job. I have found my passion(s) in life so now the plan is to turn them into a career. People know me as 'fashion' but I'm not feeling that description; well not entirely anyway. Once I've done my research and put down a plan, I'll let you know. For now, know that I'm doing nothing but enjoying now.

Yes, yes! I have been SUPER lazy, to the point that the last time I put 'pen to paper' was exactly a week ago so the day count is roughly around 19-20. Funnily enough, I've had this tab open for the last 3 days racking my mind to come up with something witty or something exciting to write about when in all honesty, I couldn't think of anything.

The last week+ has been awesome. Jacs and Mikey have been in town and we hit the ground running when they got here - shopping, eating, touristy shit etc. Then hanging out with my new friends Raz and Jas (ha! that rhymes) (ha! I obviously need a life) They are just 2 of the most wonderful people I know! They are a true testament to how great love is and are the epitome of 'humility'. Also an old friend Nic and her boyfie Mitch were also in town so was glad to catch up with her also. Love that we all got to hang out as new friends at a gay strip club. Funnily enough, it was so awful we all left.

Yeah, I've eaten a shit load in the last week - whatever. I've also run my ass off, sweating between Williamsburg and Brooklyn bridge. I've had a bit of action since the last time I was here. Turns out he's a dick but I can't deny that it was fun. I also did a few shoots in that time. By the looks of it, a routine has definitely been in play.

I've been here now for just over 2 months. With self discovery always on my mind, I wonder if I have learnt anything in that time? I wonder if I'm closer to figuring out who I am? Do I have new desires, hopes and dreams? Yeah, kinda. 

Not that I owe anyone an explanation but I've decided that I am going on a little holiday from this thing I call 'FASHUN' I know what I want but I still second guess it because for the last 2 years, all I've known it FASHUN! So for now, I'm putting it to the side because really, I just want to take this experience in. I know there are thousands of people out there that would kill to come to New York every year, or even holiday every year. I'm 22 and I've been to some of the most beautiful places in the world. Not many people can say that and for the first time ever, I want to sit back and appreciate my accomplishments to this date. It's not to say I'm giving up and stopping here. I just need to have a Kit Kat moment. 

I've got my plan now. I'll keep you informed.

EATS: Beer, an assortment of BBQ, cocktails, beer, frozen yoghurt from 16 Handles, beer, a selection of salads and hot food from Wholefoods, crackers and hommus, cocktails, burger, fries and banana split sundae from Sugar Factory, beer, Ruben sandwich and pickles from Katz's Deli. (FYI, that's 3 days worth of food - I'm not that massive)
SHOPS: Top from Uniqlo.
MOOD: Giddy.

So it's been like 3 days since I last blogged BUT I swear I have a great excuse; JACS IS HERE!

Most people don't know who Jacs is but to me, Jacs is that person you tell everything to. The person you know will somehow understand you even when they can't relate. She is a shoulder to cry on and more importantly the person you can piss yourselves with. Essentially, she is my 'Grace'. And so fitting to call her that when we are both in New York at the same time!

So fashion week came to an end.. FINALLY! And to kick off the time off, Jacs and beautiful Mikey arrived. It's so good to have them here - I miss the talks of bowel movements and odd period pains. Of course, on their first day, I take them shopping and big American BBQ - standard. The last few days have basically been the same, just swap BBQ with burger every now and then. They have also been fuelled by alcohol and more alcohol, so much so that I am writing this blog while being extremely hung over.

We celebrated Jacs' birthday last night by heading to The Back Room - an old speakeasy from the prohibition days. It was a whole lot of Melbourne in a corner with my old friends Jacs and Mikey meeting my new friends Jas and Tim. Two words on The Back Room: STRONG GROG! And the rest is history. Afterwards, we hit up Katz's Deli for a late night binge and boy was that a brilliant idea. Meat on top of meat, with melted cheese and in-between bread.. #revelation

Of course, I wake up with a rocking headache this morning but do the right thing and go for a run along Hudson river. Of course, by the time I had run from my apartment to the Hudson (approx. 5 min walk-2 min run) I felt so ill that I vommed right into the Hudson. I persevered and was able to sweat out a decent amount of alcohol and deep fried goodness. I still feel like shit though.

My food in take since the kids arriving has sky-rocketed so today I'm taking a break.. until dinner. I'm thinking a beer and some good old festival food down at Mulberry St.

I would have written more but I'm still dying right now so I'll save my energy for another day!

EATS: WARNING: THE LAST 2 DAYS I HAVE BEEN SO BAD. Special K and 1 piece of vegemite toast, 2 sliders and a handful of fries and onion strings, Chobani yoghurt, a market vegetable platter, oat cookies and home made San Choy Bao.
SHOPS: None.
MOOD: Giddy.


Despite having started this trip on the wrong foot and being VERY discouraged by the negativity of certain individuals I've met during my time in NY, today I came to the conclusion that amongst all the big names, in the big lights, with big attitudes and bullshit, there is an elite group of people who in fact are.. NORMAL!

I got to spend a great deal of time with a small package of fabulousness I like to call my 'Friend in Fashion'. Now she owns her own business, is a successful blogger, is a very worldly person and is super beautiful. Now some people would automatically assume that people like that would be what the industry like to call 'a bitch' BUT in fact she is quite the opposite; SURPRISE! It bothers me a little that people make the assumption that if you are in a higher position then they are, that you are automatically an enemy, a threat or even worse, a bitch! What happened to appreciating individuality? Since when did success become a down fall? Did people's pride grow so much over the years that we could no longer look up to those who were doing better then ourselves and instead decided to make them the competition?

The last two days haven't been so hectic, thank God! A show here and there and some more quality time with Jessie. I was introduced to a cool Italian label called Hache. It was the best styling I had seen all week! On point with trend, colours and textures. I also had the chance to see Sass & Bide today. Another standard Sass collection. In other words, if you were to buy a piece from the collection, you would know it was Sass - not that there is anything wrong with that.

As you can see from above, I ate a fair bit of shit the last 2 days BUT I also went for a few decent runs as well. #comeatmesamplesizebody #itwillneverhappen #whatever

In short, nothing maj happened and a nice treat from the hectic days before. Oh, and I met Heidi Klum today and she liked my clutch and my hat and thought I looked funky.

#boss